What has a great cast? An awesome premise? 2 of the most beautiful women ever put on film? And fell on its face in every way possible?
"The crew"
Written and directed by Carl Colpaert (G.I. Jesus, The Affair) this mess is perhaps one of the biggest wastes of potential I have ever seen.
A shambling calamity of a film, It's slow boring and had no grasp of it's own tone (are you trying to be funny? is this supposed to be tense? because it's is nether)
The cast, which was top lined by Viggo Mortensen (all sorts of awesome stuff), Donald Logue (blade, randy of the red woods) and Jeremy Sisto (may, dead and breakfast) spent its running time looking confused and not really sure what was happing.
the only thing scary about it was how little the real flick it had to do with the synopsis that tricked me into "renting" the dam mess
"On a weekend cruise, vacationers rescue 2 people from a burring boat. But the rescued turn the boat ride into a living hell"
Living hell? They definitely inconvenienced them some, but living hell!
The IMDB is a bit closer but still vague
"Reluctantly Bill agrees to spend a weekend on his brother-in-law's boat in the Bahamas. But he and his wife are not the only invited passengers, and instead of a few relaxing days at sea Bill experiences something that shakes his whole existence"
Bill (randy of the red woods) did have a bad day. But his life was really just a jumble of unfinished out ideas and lame dialog responses there was not allot to shake up...
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE NOW PRESENT AN EXCERP OF AMAZING DIALOG
Bills wife; are you going to be A dick all weekend?
Bill; are you?
Here is my blow-by-blow run down of THE CREW!!!!!! If it makes any sense to you god bless you
A) A lawyer named. Aragon takes his friends on a boat ride.
. Aragorn’s pals
a) Randy of the red woods and his hot wife
b) A whore
c) A guy who looks like vanilla ice
They drive (sail?) around and waste a bunch of running time mostly to drive home that vanilla ice and randy wife have a thing on the side. And that randy had some sort of break down
Vanilla ice plays an out of key mash up of 2 tom petty songs and a rolling stones song and says he is selling it to a metal band
He also tell us his Pen name is "Jeremy zero"
The whore and Randy’s cheating wife look very hot in their bathing suits (I am in love with them)
Randy sees a burring boat. They fight about weather or not to rescue the passengers. Get a gun put it away then lose it.
After a very low key rescue we meet the boygirl and a Latin immigration cliché’ (She plays mariachi guitar and dose Latino sexy daces and listens to a learn English on tape cassette on her Walkman “ are you going to the park? “ “ The mall is nice? “)
Boygirl asks for help but Aragon say NO WAY! So Boygirl pulls out a huge 9 and takes them hostage
After some debate and arguing Aragorn’s ship gets get boarded by the local authorities. The fuzz find $100 Bill in the engine room.
Aragorn makes up some lame ass shit but the cop is not buying it.
It looks as though he is going to have to bribe the cop to go away. But... instead (no drama here folks) he just levees. Perhaps he gets side tracked by the 2 pages of pretentious 8th grade creative writing class 'America is greedy" dialog he has to force him self threw and forgets about his nautical law enforcement duties, but any way.
“The crew” sunbath while boygirl calls his boy friend on Aragon's $200.00 A minute (!?!?!) satellite phone (time to shop around your phone service stryder). This is a very leisurely hostage situation.
During the sun bath party the cliché' plays the opening theme from desperado on vanilla ice AX the dirty old rapper gropes Randy wife's bum in front of every one (randy is to busy trying to figure out what this movie is about to notice)
Boygirl drives the boat to an island and levees every one their wile he anchors 30 ft off shore and waits for his ride
Randy accuses his wife of cheating on him with vanilla ice. Then he swims off to join boygirls team
The action star and very healthy looking white rapper look alike finally manage to over power the 90 pound boygirl and get the gun away from him, but after allot of swimming bickering and running around in circles team boygirl end up back on the boat with the lost gun (it was lost. or hid o... ahhhhh who really cares)
Some how. Aragorn’s arm gets broke
Randy finds that Aragorn has a million bucks hidden in the boat meanwhile boygirl calls his boy friend and it goes poorly
A lot of stuff happens fast now. Aragorn vandalizes his boat so no one can use it. We find out the whore is a whore (I really thought we knew. I knew) boygirl tries to kill him self but randy stops him. They both break down
After a nervous break down and some cuddling randy and boygirl are in love. Aragorn finds them like that and shoots and kills boygirl.
Some how. For no reason at all (why start making sense now) all Aragorn’s unexplained plot point money is floating off the boat (this makes him sad)
The Latin cliché and randy take a raft to the other side of the island throw boygirls body overboard. They sit in a cool old broken down battle ship
The end
What happens to every one?
Do they get home?
Will the cliché ever learn English?
Did randy of the red woods ever really think he was going to win the 92 presidential election?
I could care less really
But how did this boring drama-free drama get on fearnet? FN Is an amazing on demand horror station and I have never regretted any thing Iv watched on it , until now any way.
was this the programing equivalent of a video store clerk putting a movie in the wrong section?
"it looked like horror . the box art was scary"
Do the good folks At fearnet not watch this stuff first ?
I feel I need to be compensated for there mistake.
Dear fearnet
I rented one of your free films. And though it was free I could have been doing 1000 of other things to better my life both monetarily and spiritually have done the math and figured out what my 130 am till 315 am time slot is worth
Please send me 10. Bucks and we will be even
Thanks
Dynamo
Dear Mr. Colpaert
If you can not make 90 minuets of Jennifer Pierce and Catherine Driftwood in a bating suit compelling it's time to hang it up
Thank you
dynamo
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