Robert Rodriguez is going to save Hollywood

As if predators wasn't enough.
As if fucking machete wasn't enough.
Robert Rodriguez is going to save Hollywood.

Why?

Well before I tell you why let me tell you what got me so freaking fierd up

I was doing my post run Internet shuffle switching back and forth between my favorite sites and chatting with Mussburger when I clicked on good old ain't it cool news (which is still the best and most reliable entertainment news website on the Internet seconded by only newsarama I suppose) when I came across a Rodriguez interview, doctor desperado is very close with AICN's patriarch Harry Knowles and in the midst of one of their legendarily candid "interviews" the indie film pioneer dropped a big huge atomic nerd bomb on my life......

...... Mr. Rodriguez has landed the rights to Frank Frazetta’s FIRE and ICE. this is quite simply, awesome. Excuse me FUCKING AWSESOME.

if anyone else was attached to this I would be crying foul. Fire and ice is a huge part of my childhood, there's still a divit in my chin from when my jaw hit the floor of Hue Bouchard's basement when the first watched it. I really love the film and through it grew to love Frazetta. But I love the way Rodriguez and his camera sees the world and I know he shares my love of both the film and the iconic image machine that created it . to the point, I have no doubt he will knock this out of the park.

for those who have never seen fire and ice it was animated collaboration between two titans of my youth, teaming the ideas and style of Frazetta with the mind bending innovative rotoscop animation of Ralph Bakshi the duo twisted my life into in a irredeemable knot of 10 sided dice and Robert E. Howard novels. It had gory fight scenes awesome monsters Frazetta women.... really what else can you ask for.

Knowles:..... A project we’ve probably talked about since we first met. As you know, I had the honor and privilege to work with FRANK FRAZETTA on a special From Dusk til Dawn poster and you’ve always asked “when are you going to get the rights to Frank Frazetta’s FIRE and ICE?”

Rodriguez: Yep! The awesome Ralph Bakshi and I have been working it out for a while, and it’s now a TROUBLEMAKER STUDIOS PICTURE. What’s cool is, unlike past projects that I’d get involved with that would get stalled for various reasons, I control the rights to this one. So it’s actually in my power to set it up and get it made, which wasn’t the case on other projects. And for you filmmakers out there, that’s really the best way to get things done. If you can manage to get the rights yourself to a property by dealing directly with the artists and creators like I did with Frank Miller on SIN CITY, and now with Ralph Bakshi on FIRE and ICE, it makes a world of difference and you can get started sooner rather than never

this is really really amazing.

So enough gushing, why is he going to save Hollywood?

well I guarantee you he is at least going to save it for me. When I left SIN CITY I felt like I could retire I felt like that was a perfect movie. I felt almost exactly the same when I stood outside Blackstone Valley Cinema deluxe after "kill Bill" chapter 1 blew my mind apart it was the type of movie I wanted to see, the type of movie I wanted to make.

Tarantino and Mr. "Mike thinks I'm going to save Hollywood by making crazy movies" films affect me in a similar way, they both kick the creator in me squarely in the nuts while giving the 12-year-old in me a complete nerdgazem.

so why do I think machetes dad is going to reboot the Hollywood system in a similar way that Spielberg and Amblin did in the 80s (bold claims I know) in the "reservoir dude" is going to keep making brilliant indie films. What makes "the Dukes of dusk till Dawn" so different from one another.

Robert Rodriguez makes money.

his films kill on DVD, heck desperado made so much money on DVD and cable licensing that it earned once upon a time in Mexico a theatrical release.
And what about his kid stuff? Ever hear of spy kids or shark boy and lava girl of course you have if you don't have a 9-year-old youth probably never seen it but you sure as shot has seen all the propaganda and sequels plastered all over toy stores and fast food joints.

is become a master of using the Internet to his advantage machete could easily have been a direct to video fan favorite but with the original trailer that opened the grind house film still making rounds on video sharing services in the buzz the anti-Arizona Cinco de Mayo trailer generated one can only imagine that by the time of its theatrical release there will be snakes on the plane level Internet anticipation for this flick. but where films like S.O.P and paranormal activity fell flat the man who brought us planet terror is sure to deliver the goods.

from their I find it to be just math From there I think it's just math combine everything I just talked about with the franchises troublemaker Studios has under its umbrella I firmly believe he's on par to fill both theaters and Newbury comic style boutiques with a lot of God dam cool.

If you think about it 90% of the films success relies in the marketing 90% of its longevity relies on merchandise and I expect to see a shipload of black T-shirts and action figures with these properties on them.

predators.
Machete.
Sin city two.
fire and ice.

Now if I was home yesterday I had planned on writing a similar headline proclaiming Marvel Studios are going to save Hollywood, and I really still think they will combine universe is going to make a lot of kids love movies and expect a lot out of their heroes, and their films for that matter. And on the adult side troublemaker Studios will be churning out brilliant adult science fiction/fantasy/crazy Mexican entertainment.

this is a message for every single me in the world

okay nerds it's going to be split right down the middle Marvel Studios and troublemaker Studios are about to steal all your money and time. it's going to be a fun ride and enjoy it. You earned it

Nature trail to hell in 3-D ( and it's paved with good intentions and awful ideas)

In a disturbing bit of news I just ran across George A Romero is in negotiations to helm a 3-D remake of Dario Argento's deep red.

First off I'm incredibly oppressively sick of 3D. I saw one film in 3-D, the movie was bad,the 3-D Effects were stupid and the overall experience was awful. Now fans of the technology are immediately going to remind me of Cameron's avatar and of the new technology and how incredible 3-D can look now, but even the best advances in the medium will not eliminate the need for those annoying glasses and the irritation they would inflict upon me for 90 minutes.

Secondly am I the only one that's become more frightened of Georgie's input than I am excited. George just can't write dialogue anymore. The digital medium he is working in usually looks cheap and hankered. And most of all having to watch bad films by the man that is almost single-handedly responsible for you wanting to make films is like finding out you're adopted. Just don't, call it quits, please Mr. Romero Sir Call it quits.

Anyone who knows me knows my feelings on Argento, he was stunningly visual, one of the best eyes ever to interpret his vision to the screen, A mastodon of filmmaking who was incredibly detailed and innovative,working in a style that was a distinct calling card oozing innovation and craftsmanship that is unfortunately extinct in today's rapid-fire Multiplex industry. but in the interest of full disclosure for every great visual there was a mind numbingly bad plot point or or brain crushing breach of common sense. I just don't think he ever had a lot of plot going on, it just wasn't his priority, and in in the shoes string story that was there it almost never made a lick of sense. I don't think it would be unfair to say that Dario Argento was almost always 100% eye candy , but I digress.

At the end of the day it's not even that it's a remake (I'm certainly not as hung up on that and some of my other and friends and associates are) I just really think the whole thing is just a bad idea. The name "Deep red" is not an iconic enough horror title ( outside of horrordom anyway) that casual horror fans interests will be piqued upon assault of the trailer filled with WB teens and the Argento title tacked onto it. I guess I'm just really not sure who this is marketed to, the dynamos of the world who recognize the film aren't going to be jacked about another remake even one helmed by a horror icon, and as I was saying the casual fan isn't going to give a fark, so why? what's the angle? Where's the money? Who really cares?

Has the whole thing becomes so incestuous so cannibalistic that the gods of our own pantheon are now regurgitating there their peers work into our laps, are they so blinded by remake equals money that even we have become seduced by the chance of a wide opening (pun intended)And a huge paycheck. Does the double wide bandwagon with bumper stickers reading "remake" and "in 3D" look so fucking good we have to....WE NEED TO at take a ride on the thing.

I guess I could've stopped at "I don't get it".
I guess I could've stopped that "I don't care".
But hey it's in 3-D right that's pretty cool Huh?

me versus my body versus the unjustified discontinuation of apple chips

My body: taco pizza?

Me: excuse me?

My body: you ate taco pizza?

Me: I guess... CAN YOU PIPE DOWN I FELL LOUSEY

my body: you guess?

Me: well... I guess I did you would know right?

My body: let me get this straight. You're diabetic you have intestinal problems and you thought was good idea to feed me a taco pizza ...

Me:... Well... I...

My body:... Wait I'm not done yet so you fed me taco pizza on a Sunday night at eight despite the fact you have enough food related health problems strangle a killer wale. And now you have the audacity to complain thAT don't feel good

me: it's not like all I ate was pizza

my body: yes you also ate half of the meatball sub
.
Me: only half

my body: your on punishment my friend

me: hey who's in charge here?

My body: you're obviously not smart enough to be

me but I had a perfectly good reason

my body: I can't wait to hear this

me: I was going to have apple chips but their discontinued so I figured the next best thing was splitting a meatball sub in the taco pizza, you know what I mean.

My body: that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard how can you even begin to justify... Wait for discontinuing Apple chips?

Me: you heard me right

my body: what are we going to do?!?!

Me: don't worry my friend I have your back to grab the phone

my body: I not sure I can get by without Apple chips!!?!

Me: I'm sure they have some of the caramel ones left

my body: caramel ones?! those are the same!

Me:( into phone) I need 2 taco PIZZAs S.T.A.T

My body: 2?! we cant eat that on a Tuesday.. Tuesday is grilled CHIKEN day .

me: but today's a special day we can cheat on special days

my body: special day?

me: where morning our loss

my body: what loss?

Me: we're mourning the discontinuation of our very good friend apple chips

my body: it is a very sad day

the mighty monster maker strikes out

I'm going to be very upfront. I'm not going to pulling punches. My instinct is to water down, look for the silver lining, make lemonade. But beyond a shadow of doubt George A. Romero's "survival of the dead" is the worst movie I've seen this year.

This is the part where I'm supposed to give a plot synopsis, talk about the characters, but really couldn't be bothered. This was a flat out bad movie.

I do a comedy show with a couple of awesome very funny guys, it's called " the Mr. smartass theater show", its a tribute to mystery science theater 3000. In preparation for said show I have had to sit through some of the worst movies of all time, you name it we have done it. ...

"plan nine from our space"
" white zombie"
"the boxer's omen"
suburban Sasquatch....... well you get the point some really horrible terrible irredeemable movies. It is with no level of exaggeration no amount of hyperbole when I tell you survival of the dead is as bad as any one of those movies (and not anywhere near as good as boxers Omen).

the acting was high school play quality
the script was a cliché ridden predictable jumble of contrivance.
The special effects were comically bad. DYS Photoshop iMovie CGI amateur hour (there were parts of suburban Sasquatch that looked more real)

I really wanted to love this movie and I really love George Romero. I think is the last of the filmmaking cowboys straight shooter and a freethinker, and as I was saying before my first instinct was to shy away from bashing this film, but I guess sometimes your heroes let you down. I really just keep hoping beyond hope the man whose films help shape my life (if you know me you know that's no exaggeration) will hit one more out of the park will be one more 90 minute marathon to cement a spot as the best of all-time. But perhaps that's never going to happen, maybe this was his last chance.

I know this isn't really a review. In fact it's sort of just a jumbled mess. felt obligated to get these words out and express how I really felt.

Disappointed.
letdown.
and short of irritated.

don't see this movie. Don't waste your time.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright,
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville — mighty Casey has struck out.

A nightmare on Dull Street

Hollywood movies are funny thing: limitless money, the best actors, groundbreaking special effects, I could go on and on. Now, with all these resources one would think Hollywood would constantly be cranking out mind-bending cinematic experiences that on a daily basis will alter the way we think of the medium and the people who work in.

I don't need to tell you, this is just not the case. For whatever reason most Hollywood movies are pretty much garbage - uninspired cash grabs that do nothing but propel the stereotype. I'd like to say Samuel Bayer’s remake of Wes Craven's masterpiece defied the Hollywood tradition but, once again, it's just not the case.

It's not that "a nightmare on Elm Street" looks bad, it actually looks great. It's dark and atmospheric with mood to spare. It's quite brilliantly lit. The lush reds invoked the heat and fire. While the sterile, almost fluorescent, "non-dream" environments drive home mundane realities of day-to-day existence. Truth is there is enough atmospheres here for 3 J-horror remakes. No, it's not the look of the film that's a problem at all.

Could it be the story? Being a remake we all know the story: crazy pedophile Freddy Krueger is trapped and murdered by a group of vengeful parents, the whole sordid affair is covered up and the children inexplicably have no recollection of it. That is, until the evil Kroger returns as a demonic dream diddling deviant (alliteration clap clap clap clap clap alliteration clap clap clap clap clap) who offs the teen du jour in their sleep. He manages to get midway through his attackers offspring when the wallflower Goth cliché "Nancy" (Rooney Mara) channels Nancy Drew to decipher the monster's secrets and therein how to destroy him.

Well it's not any less clunky than it was in 1985, but it certainly a serviceable story. The concept of being afraid to sleep versus what sleep deprivation does to your body is every bit as intriguing as when Craven first contrived it. Any writer worth their salt could easily mine a plethora of scary scenarios and inventive set pieces out of this concept. "Nightmare" is not without its good ideas and as I said before, the thing looks great. But that's it.

We were promised the reinvention of a horror icon. What we got was 90 minutes of underdeveloped characters milling about in beautiful well-conceived images. Imagine a music video without any music, some weird fusion of A Korn and a Emo hit. A bunch of dark, crazy shit goes down and a bunch of kids wander around and pout.

Having said that, not everything was a visual delight. One of the most exciting things about this project was Freddy himself. I for one could not wait to see what the tough kid from "The Bad News Bears" brought to the table. If his Freddy was half as bad-ass as his Rorschach, this new Freddy would be super bad-ass. It's not that Jackie Earle Haley did a bad job, the he certainly didn't have a lot to work with. But when your makeup is so awful you couldn't scare an eight year old spastic with a bad makeup phobia, your horror movie is in dire straits. Truth be told. FK’s horribly burned mug bears more than a passing resemblance to the crazy old dancing guy in the Six Flags commercials.

Another horrible mistake, in an effort to keep up with other more recent horror remakes, inventive kills were replaced by simple and brutal grab-and-slash. This technique worked perfectly with Michael Myers in a minimal effect with Jason Voorhees. But if you were a supernatural force of nature who had the ability to appear in, and manipulate, stupid teenagers dreams, I suspect you could come up with a little better than stabbing folks with your razor glove. Boring, boring, boring. There is absolutely nothing to care about in this film, not the terrible actors (most of whom look 45 and are more creepy milling around lockers than an ol "no flags Kruger" could ever be), not the lackluster delivery of what on paper seemed like a solid script, and certainly not the lousy looking villain.

Boring, slow, and underwhelming. Here's another remake for the pile.