Bad idea 2

*din out side* 

*i sit up in bed* 

*Tiny and Eathan run by*

Me: what's happing?

*no one answers* 

*crash* 

Me: whaaaaaats happing?

*no one answers* 

*donna runs bye*

Me: matrix!!

*donna stops* 

Donna: you should be resting 

Me: what was all  that ruckus about.

Donna: rest

*runs away*

*Crash* 

*boom*

*gun shots* 

*O runs by* 

Me: ORRRRRICaaaal!!

*o sticks head round corner*

O: yea? 

Me: what's happing? 

O: happening?

*KAAAABOOM* 

O: nothing. 

*craaaash* 

Me: nothing? 

O: ummmm nope

*glass shatteres* 

Me: Kid come on? Tell m....

O:   .......  ghost sharks

Me: huh?!?!

O: we are over run  by ghost sharks

Me: g-g-g 

O: gotta go!!

*bolts down hall*

* I rub my neck*

Me: ghost.... Sharks.... 

Home

I I was home.

I had a big hole in my neck

This place is full of monsters killers and demons...and  Those are my friends. 

This was a really really really really bad idea

Crazy talk

So I was sitting there with a poker sized hole in my neck. 

The hospital was quiet and very very understaffed. On a normal night me being out of bed would send a army of nurses my way but my altercation with bobby went unnoticed. 

I heard the Doctor and his entarage coming down the hall. I figured I was going to be layed up for a wile and it wasn't safe for me or the other folks in UMASS for me to stay. His people need to get with my people and set me up in a safe house.

"Mr. Marz"

"Doc"

"Is your home safe"

Visions whipped through my mind

*Dragon Attack*

*prison full of monsters*

*giant Propain Tanks*

*eathan*

*thing that crawled out of Silicas lab last week*

"yes?"

"Your going home"

"I beg your pardon" 

Brawl in the hall

The warewolfe was nearly 8 feet tall. It had the build of a 80's action movie hero.  

I was a 5ft8 jackass struggling on a hospital hallway floor tied up in my EKG's wiers in my own Johnny. 

The thing was making a shrill whining noise. It was shaking. Was it choking? could it not breath? It bent over A hissing whistling sound coming from its nose in stuttered tandem with the shaking whine. 

it sounded like someone letting air out of a balloon in  small deliberate bursts. Then It ... It... Slapped its knee? Was this thing fucking laughing?

It was! Apparently it found my desperate painkiller induced finger gun hilarious.

"Are you going to sit there and cackle all day?" I hissed.  

The jacked up hair ball laughed harder 

"Come the fuck on" I barked 

It looked like it was going to Shake Apart.

"WTF"?!?! 

It extended a large hairy hand. I took it and was effortlessly lifted off the ground and with a bit of Thoughtful steadying was flat in my feet. 

"What's this all about" I asked

It Motioned to a meeting room behind us if the nurses hadn't come during the strugle not much chance of them showing up now, but I obliged him all the same.

It spoke.

"I do not want to wake up any sick humans" 

"That's mighty fine of ya but..."

"My name is Boby" he interrupted 

"My name is.." 

"Dynamo Marz" it interrupted again "monster hunter. The tribes call you the Executioner" 

"Yea well..." 

"I saw you from my room. My human form was taken to this hospital when I was found unconscious by the side of the Road. I thought you were here to destroy me but now I see your just sick"

"Heck, what gave it away"

"Please except my apology" he said holding out his hand "I was frightend and ment no harm" 

I took its big fury mitt. My hand looked like a babies in it. 

"Are you hurt" Boby asked suddenly very concerned. 

"Nah" I Lide. I felt a bruise forming on my back.

"Can I help you back to your room?"

"Sure but you better turn back". 

He stiffened with irritation

"This-is- back" he said with a growl. 

"You know what I mean" 

I looked at me I couldn't tell if it was thoughtful you or inquisitively. He was more way more vulnerable in his human form. Was he wondering if this was a trap or pondering how to handle my basic insensitive human comment.

"I'm sorry. I ment no disrespect and I won't hurt ya. I reckon you do owe me a coke" 

"I did tackle you"

"You did" 

He asked me to wait outside and I heard typical gross stretching and could portions shape shifter changeing forms. A naked 50 year old walked into the hall he looked like Chris Christopherson with Arnolds body. 

Boby made an apologetic gesture Towteds his nakid self. it was obvious he didn't know what to say

"S'ok. You ain't the first nudie old timer warewolfe I've seen" 

We started towards my room

"You said they found ya by the side of The road. semi? Hunter?"

Boby shifted his face contorted uncomfortably.

"Turf thing" ?

"I'm almost 200 my body is Turning on me. I must learn I can't enjoy life Lin the same ways I once did"

I looked at him trying to be poilite but my shitty poker face musta betrayed my cluelessness.

" I enjoy sweets. I consumed to much I..I.. Have sugar diseas. Your people call it"

"Diabetes?"

"You have diabetes?" 

Yes

"Ya know Boby I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship" 

Monster hunting class

Of all the monsters werewolves and Lycathrops in general are the most historically in cinematically accurate. There are a few different kinds of classes Class ones are most common. 

Class one Lycathrops are creatures that turn into large bipedal half human half animal hybrids. 

Theses humanoid creatures are the bruisers of the monster community. Huge and savage. Traditionally Class ones lack the finesse of other class one monsters  in different species. 

They tend to be bullies and very in your face. allowing the birste side to overtake the human emotions with primal urges and animal instinct. They don't have the long life spans. 

Class  ones come in every species imaginable. Wolves and dogs every feline species i've even heard of weresharks (nightmares much?)  

They have a severe silver alergy even diluted silver or things that are coated in silver will be highly irritating and potential he dangerous to them.

The older the better. In fact the Sulfur in tarnished or aged silver (see brimstone) it's pretty much a game ender for werethings.

And now ya know and knowing is.. Well knowing. 

F Is for.... Well ya know.

I was dead. 

The thing had me right were it wanted me. 

I had medical equipment warped all around my legs. I was laying on wiers so when I tried to roll over I got stuck 1/2 way. I was a mess.

The werwolf growled. 

I did the only thing I could do 

The only thing that came to mind 

I pointed my finger like a gun and said "pow" 

Then the Thing Coked it head opend it's mouth and made the craziest sound I ever heard.  

W(are wolf) T (rouble) F (ight)

Palm strike Jab jab Eye poke

The Classic Dynamo separation technique. The type of stuff muscle memory kicks in. The Type of stuff that Will give you'd some space no matter what species is invading your personal territory.

I was up in a flash. 

The beast fusght back a growl but it took his whole body keep in. 

Show down time.

Rewind time.

My brain was back to Dynamo speed but my body was not cooperateing. 

In my head I was up and ready to fight in real life I was in my back with a hole in my neck tangled in medical equipment 

Fuck  

Doctor Doctor told me the newz

I got a little bit of sleep at woke up to a doctor in my room around 11AM giving me the 411.  They wanted to move me to the university campus, to which to my delusional poisoned state, I told them the university campus could go pleasure a syphilis ridden donkey. 

Either because they were afraid or relived that I really didn’t want to go back, they started to make arraingements to do the procecdure there.  The cyst in my throat I had spoken about in a prior installment had become infected and caused an abcess.  They swelling in my neck was a big ball of poison which according to the test had slowly started to leak and left me poisoned. 

The first part of the procedure consisted of essentially slitting my throat, tearing it open, and letting as much poison as they possibly could drain out.  Then, I would have a few weeks of recuperation with my neck as open as my fly generally is; healing open so all the poison could leak out.  It was fairly scary but not quite as scary part 2, which consisted of re-opening my throat after it healed and cleaned up, and cutting the cyst off of my voice box.  Even if this went perfect, they still had to move a lot of stuff I need to use to do what I do to get at my voice box-things like my tongue and my vocal chords.  And while they were confident that I would bounce back, after I healed and had a few months of therapy, I didn’t share their confidence. 

I felt like fate was trying to send me a message.  The Lucky Dog closed, our recent financial woes, and the clone debacle that left me ill and immune compromised and was beyond the shadow of a doubt the reason I found myself in the situation I was in. 

Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I am stubborn.  I’d never call it quits on my own accord.  But if I couldn’t sing, wasn’t well enough to move, couldn’t afford to set up a show, and didn’t have a place to play, I really didn’t have a choice.  I tried to push those thoughts of out my head, but it didn’t work.  I tried to think of all of the people that would be hurt, both as a fan and a potential victim that hunt the night, if the Twilight Society packed up and called it quits.  That didn’t work either.  I thought of all the people who were going to be excited about it, my enemies, my detractors, people who just didn’t like me.  People who had a reason to not like me, and people who didn’t like me because they were just on the wrong side of our brand of right.  And there was a spark.  Like the fluttering erection of a 90 year old man remembering his past pornographic preferences, something small and weak stirred in me when I thought of how many people would be happy if I left this hospital for the crypt. 

After thinking about it for a few minutes, I was up and pacing the halls of the hospital, dragging about 300lbs of medical equipment on that crazy medical coat rack that beeped and buzzed.  It’s amazing that anyone slept in the hospital.  I was going to fight like hell.  Maybe my motives were backwards, but never let it be said that Mrs. Mars’ Elvis boy wouldn’t go to great lengths to irritate people.

Dance of the dead

As I wanderd the hospital halls I was in some strange painkiller indused euphoria.

I wanted to stand upright and shout to the mountaintops but I knew that would bring the nurseSTAPO down on me but I couldn't be there to let this moment of extensional victory go celebrationless, so I did the best Charlston my Week  body could muster.

I sat there under the unforgiving fluorescent lights with my ass hanging out the back of my Johnny dancing! My Charlston  turned into a jitterbug and Iwhispered  the only appropriate song I knew for such for such bombastic moves. I was in second verse of the Chattanooga choo-choo when I heard a strange scraping noise behind me.

I turned just in time to get sacked by a werewolf.

The End of an era part 1

The Deadites have been having their Halloween Extravaganza for about 12 or 15 years (my memory ain’t so good).  Without going into a lot of details that aren’t mine to give, Lucky Dog Owner, former rival, and now dear friend Erik Godin had decided to sell the place.  There was the possibility at one point that the Halloween Extravaganza was going to be the last show under Old Man Godin’s management.  A little further down the line, I was told that we might the first big grand opening show under the new management regime.  I was a little nervous about that all along.

As promoters, Myra and I have had a couple of options; wait and find out what happens, which possibly leaves us without a place to play for Halloween if things go pear shaped.  Or try to shop the show to another club which in reality was probably the smart play.  We are worth a lot more as a fairly reliable band that is leaving its current home base under their own volition.  As opposed to a band that scrambling to find a new place to hold their most important show of the year.  Despite Myra’s opinion to the contrary my loyalty (see: fucking idiot).  I decided to wait and see what happened with the Lucky Dog.  The main problem was that between money exchanged, contracts being signed and licenses being distubted, there was a chance the club would not be re-opened in time to have the show.  All I asked for was a call or a text the moment it became mathematically impossible for the club to be open in time.  At 1am as I lay in the UMASS emergency room, I got a text that said “it’s mathematically impossible.  The club will not be open in time.”

Take me To The hospital

By 9pm I felt about as bad as I’ve ever felt, and that’s saying something.  I walked into UMASS University Campus and was excited to see the emergency room was mostly empty.  I sat down in front of a grumpy old lady who barely stopped condescending and barking orders at the younger lady she was training to take my information.  After she took my info she said matter of factly, like it’s the type of thing you say to someone in the emergency room that has swallowed a football, “Ok.  It’s about a three hour wait.” 

I kindly told her that I could sit at home for three hours.  And, no offense to her, there is a hot lawyer with a hint of a British accent.  If it was going to be three hours, I would rather just be home.  She informed me that my insurance would be charged all the same because she took my information. 

This both angered and confused me.  A) it’s ridiculous that you charge someone for just having them recite your name and address to them.  B)  I had not the slightest idea I had insurance.  What kind of god damned maniac would insure the kind of job that I had?  At the time, I couldn’t imagine what smooth operate conned some insurance company to make that happen.  In retrospect, I think I know who it was.  So remind me to thank that lawyer I was talking about earlier.

Before I could protest any more, she stood up and started pointing at each person in turn and telling me how long they had been there like she was pantomiming a massacre.  “And you’ve only been here for five minutes,” she said, ending on me.  I realize now with what I do for a job and how she looked and was acting if I had driven a steak in her heart right there and then not only would nobody had blamed me, but I probably would have got away with it.

I decided to go to the hospital down the street in the not quite as good part of town.  It turned out to be the right play.  I was admitted into the emergency room and into a screening room before my special lady friend could park the car.  That’s when the news got even more lousy.

By 10:30 I had a bunch of blood tests, a CAT scan, and impressive amount of pain killers and had proposed to my attending nurse around 11 times.  I slept for a little while and was woken up around 5am to the news that I was being admitted.

There was a cyst that a lot of people get in their throat.  It’s in a spot in between your tongue and your voice box and people can live their whole lives with it unless it gets infected.  And mine got infected. 

Fixing it would be easy enough in theory.  The doctor made an off-handed joke, “you will be good to go in a couple of days and it won’t affect you at all, unless you’re a radio deejay or a singer.”  Everything he said after that was pretty much pops and buzzes.  They moved me to my room shortly after and I sat up all night contemplating if it was even worth not being sick.

Monster hunting School: Class 1 Zombies

I interrupt this exciting tale of my imminent and exaggerated demise to give you a little bit of book learning.  There are eight sub classes of what people commonly know as zombies.  The most common one is Class Ones, AKA shamblers.  Shamblers are generally resurrected by some sort of chemical accident or scientific misadventure.  For a pop culture point of reference, George Romero zombies and the zombies in that TV show you are all so crazy about are shamblers.  They are not very dangerous unless you encounter a bunch of them.  Even then someone with a bit of combat training has a pretty good chance of making it out of a jam if they are careful. 

Much like in the movies you dispose of Class Ones by destroying the brain.  Either blunt force trauma or a good old bullet to the head will put one down lickety split.  So now you know.  And knowing is half the battle, except for the 100 years of training experience and knowledge.  Now that I think of it, knowing probably won’t help you so much at all.

#LongWeekalmostend

I spoke with the nice detective for about an hour.  I felt a lump and a tightness in my throat.  I had assumed the tightness was just a nerve thing.  He had just dropped an atomic bomb on my life that made me question and doubt everything I had believed in.  I thought I had put this nightmare behind me, but he had enough evidence to prove that I had not.  In fact, he had enough evidence to give me a brand new bunch of nightmares.

We parted ways.  I went to Boston the next afternoon to clear out a shambler infestation inside and around one of the prestigious hospitals of the area.  By the time I got back to my hotel room, my throat hurt. 

I went home and stopped in our medical unit.  Doctor Light ran all the tests and come to the conclusion that my pre-existing situation had somehow damaged my thyroid.  By Friday night, my throat was pretty uncomfortable.  It didn’t necessarily hurt; but it was so swollen and uncomfortable that I began to spray it with spray ice. 

The next day was the trick or treat radio cookout.  I had a wonderful day full of great food, amazing people, and lots of booze-for everyone but me anyway.  I was outrageously uncomfortable. 

Sunday me and Tiny dealt with a small pocket of berserker vampires.  I was almost vampire chow.  I was so completely distracted and off my game that I probably almost shot Tiny as many times as I hit a vampire.  I went home and with the help of a bunch of Ativan and a little bit of rum, slept through the rest of the day.

I don’t even remember what Monday consisted of.  I left long enough to ride shotgun with Round Trip Jones in a case that he was working on, but I think I slept most of the time.  By the time we pulled into the garage, I knew I had to go to the hospital.  My throat looked awful and felt worse.  I was light headed. 

That’s when I got my second surprise of the weekend-I arrived home to find someone had horribly vandalized my apartment.  They destroyed hundreds of dollars of blu rays, both of my lap tops and a special collection of comics I had been collecting over the last few years.  But most terribly still whoever these monsters were, they tried to kill my fish.  The tank looked like it was full of milk.  Whatever they had dumped in there was reacting horribly with the sustaining chemicals in the water.  It smelled like vodka.  I ended up doing what I needed to do to make sure Frankenstein the betta was ok (ok as I could any way).  I didn’t want to leave; anyone that knows me knows that I was more concerned with my little buddy’s well-being my own.  My special lady friend pretty much forced me to go, and it’s a good thing for the minority of people who like me, a bad thing for the majority of people who don’t (and I’m undecided).  I had no idea how sick I was.

Wake up its time to (wish you had) Die(d)

I had been down for the better part of the day and woke to a real life Texas Ranger in my room.

"You are"?  I asked putting on my best snooty dignitary voice. I don't know why I was feeling so damn chipper; I was just given a death sentence. I had been poisoned by an insane lunatic super fan. The poison had been tricky. It was an ugly mix of arcane alchemy and state of the art biology and jet black magic. Silica and Oracle put their collective smarts together and created a treatment that involved many incantations and simultaneously removing and replacing all the blood in this lump of shit I call a body. Strangely is exactly what the bad guy had anticipated. The poison was introduced into my blood stream via laced bayonet. It got into my bloodstream and knock the shit out of my immune system. When the blood was removed the crafty little phantom assassin leached into my bones, my organs and my husk. It was in every inch of me. Worst still the more I'd did the worse it got. Even my diet was potentially feeding it. If eating a bowl of cereal was going to knock me out fighting a werewolf would put me in a coma.

I passed out at the pig farm and woke up in the lab. The big brains ran a battery of tests on me. Once they knew "it" was still living in me it was easy enough to pick out analyze and and figure out it's MO. Unfortunately isolating and removing it was another problem altogether. When today, tomorrow and yesterdays smartest man around tells you " The science is way beyond him" your brain automatically translates it to terms that directly apply to you as "you're fucked, kid" and I was.

Stasis was the best idea he had beyond that. They could analyze it and I couldn't do less than suspended animation. If it fed off of my and my energy then maybe we could starve it out. I thought about it. I really did, but I'd rather be out fighting the good fight letting this thing eat away at me than to kick it Walt Disney style wile my friends are out fighting for the night. But now that I say that out Loud..... I wonder if I am a idiot.

They broke my quality-of-life  in addition to training me. It was also raising up all the stuff that I didn't want: high blood-pressure, my glucose etc. etc. etc..

Things I can do for any length of time without getting tired: nothing

Things I can eat without putting myself in danger of diabetic stroke, plain ol' regular stroke or heart attack: nothing

Amount of wiggle room I have to get an infection and not get killed by a common cold or have my limbs amputated due to infection: zero

The man in my room stood quiet for minute after my cinematic rant. He looked confused, not scared, but confused. He held out his hand and introduced him self as " detective Dale Palmer" I remembered who he was right away. I got a message from him a little bit before we left for the pig farm. He said he was returning my call. Only only problem is I didn't and don't remember why I called him or calling him at all. Directly after I got poisoned there were some blank spots I'd wake up from my coma get up do you a whole episode of Trick or Treat Radio and go lay down like nothing happened and having zero memory of anything happening. I'm guessing I called him sometime during that time, but why?

Without any more small talk he handed me a small manila file and like the idiot I am I opened it.  My heart jumped into my throat and dropped into my stomach like the weight on one of those carnival strong man games. The skinny peewee that had become my soul could swing the hammer as hard as he could to try to make my heart jump where belongs but instead it just sat in my nauseated stomach bobbing around like a severed booey in the ocean.

These pictures were a message. Confirmation of the fact that my past was not going to let me ride off into the great unknown quietly and in peace. My past was going to try to rush me into the grave as fast and as best it could and whether did it by stress or tearing me limb from limb was a detail it was entirely indifferent to.

On Sun, Aug 30, 2015 at 3:46 PM, Mike Mars <michaelmarsjr@gmail.com> wrote:

monday, August 31 blog

I have been down for the better part of the day And awoken to a real life Texas Ranger in my room.

"You are"?  I asked putting on my best sooty dignitary voice. I don't know why I was feeling so damn chipper I was just given a death sentence. I had been poisoned by a Insane lunatic super fan. the poison had been tricky. It was a ugly mix of arcane alchemy and state of the art biology and jet black magic. Silica and Orical put their collective smarts together and Created a treatment that involved many incantations and simultaneously removing and replacing all the blood in this lump of shit I call a body. Strangely is exactly what The bad guy had anticipated. The Poison was introduced into my blood stream via laced bayonet. Got into my breads bloodstream and knock the shit out of my immune system. When the blood was removed the crafty little phantom assassin leached onto my bones my organs my bones my husk. It was in every inch of me. Worst still the more I'd did the worst it got. Even my diet was potentially feeding it. If eating a bowl of cereal was going to knock me out fighting a warwolf would put me in a comma.

I passed out at the pig farm and woke up in the lab. the big brains ran A battery of tests on me. Once they new "it" was still living in me it was easy enough to pick out analyze and and figure out it's MO. Unfortunately isolating and removing it was another problem altogether. When today tomorrow and yesterdays smartest man around tells you " The science is way beyond him" your brain automatically translates it to terms to  that directly apply to you "you're fucked kid" and I was.

Stasis was the best idea he had beyond that. They could analyze it and I couldn't do less then suspended animation of it fed off my and my energy then maybe we could starve it out. I thought about it, I really did but I'd rather be out fighting the good fight letting this thing eat away at me then let kick it Walt Disney style wile my friends are out fighting for the night. But now that I say that out Loud..... I wonder if I am a idiot.

They broke my quality-of-life of life in addition to training me it was also raising up all the stuff that I didn't want high. I blood-pressure my glucose etc. etc. etc..

Things I can do for any length of time without getting tired:  nothing

things I can eat without putting myself in danger of diabetic stroke Plano ol regular stroke heart attack: nothing

Amount of wiggle room I have to get an infection and not get killed by a common cold or have my limbs amputated due to infection: zero

The man in my room stood quiet for minute after my cinematic rant. He looked confused not scared but but confused. He held out his hand and introduced him self as " detective Dale Palmer" I remember who he was right away. I got a message from him A little bit before we left for the pig farm. He said he was returning my call,  Only only problem is I didn't and don't remember why I called him or calling him at all. Directly after I got poisoned there were some blank spots I'd wake up from my coma get up do you a whole episode of trick or treat  radio and go laydown like nothing happened having zero memory of anything happen. I'm guessing I called him sometime during that time but why?

Without any more Smalltalk hr handed me a small manila file and like the Idiot I am I opened it.  My heart jumped into my throat and dropped into my stomach like the weight on one of those carnival strong man games strongman Man games. The skinny peewee that have become my soul swing the hammer as hard as you could to try to make my heart jumped where belongs but instead of just sat in my nausea stomach probably around like a severed bowie in the ocean.

These pictures what a message. Confirmation of the fact that my past was not going to let me ride off into the great unknown quietly and in peace. My Past was going to try to rush me into the grave fast and best it could and whether did it by stress or Tearing me limb from limb was a detail it was entirely indifferent to.

Wake up its time to complain

“I am always fascinated by people’s double standards with films.

“A schlocky, fun, genre movie from 1981 is a masterpiece. A film with equivocal production values, plot, and acting from 2015 is garbage.

“I just don't get it. Even more baffling, films like, say, The Guest - which has all the great elements of films that we are nostalgic about - get slapped around for the same reasons we love films like Escape from New York or Evil Dead 2.

“If you don't enjoy movie, you don't enjoy the movie, but I feel a lot of armchair critics are unaware of the hypocrisy of their reviews on current genre cinema versus classic genre cinema.

“I will totally relent that some things just aren't as charming. And in a lot of super low-budget pictures, CGI has replaced practical effects, especially in the case of things like ultra low-budget movies and SyFy channel fair.

“The visual effects are atrocious, but are they any worse than their parent films of 60’s and 70’s monster flicks? While I find practical always comfortable, even the practical effects are way more charming than clunky N64 looking creations. Even good CGI falls flat for me - it's just not real. I'd be more aroused by an ugly or average looking naked person in real life, than a drawing or animation of Wonder Woman or Ryan Gosling. It's tactile, it's real, my eyes tell my brain that it's real, and the chemicals in my body act accordingly. Your suspension of disbelief isn't much different than that. If your brain sees a guy lumbering toward you with ping-pong balls for eyes and green face paint, while you probably won't be tricked into thinking it's scary, it's still a real live guy. Something is actually there. You realize that the guy could hurt you even if you're stressed ridiculously. A cartoon cannot. The brain processes the whole thing differently, and for the most part CGI doesn’t work and cheap CGI is just awful; it's simply bargain-basement movie-making.

“Perhaps these are all bad examples - I'm not particularly invested in these films on either end of the spectrum. An old Ed Wood nugget is just as interesting to me as one of those CGI shark movies: "That's funny." *turns channel*

“I recently woke up to Tiny Wight defending the film The Guest to someone who was tearing it apart on the Facebook group The Gentleman's Guide to Midnight Cinema.  I think The Guest is a pretty great flick. It cemented my love for the work of Simon Barrett and Adam Winguard.

“If that film came out in 1985 with equivocal acting, special effects, and overall production value, it would be considered a bona fide classic. In fact, I'd go as far to say it would be in the majority of exploitation fans’ top 10. I honestly think with significantly worse acting, facts, and what not, it would still be that well regarded.

“So why does the same movie in 2015 get panned? As viewers, are your rose-tinted glasses fueled strictly by nostalgia?

“Now this is just one dude’s opinion and most folks I know love The Guest.

“But what happens to make someone love a film from 1973 or ‘83 or even ‘93, but dismiss a film of equal or better quality from right goddamn now?”

I was rambling. I had been asleep for 9 hours.  I looked down at my iPhone to do the math and make sure that's all I lost. If I hurried I'd make it to the Independents’ show In time. I'm always prone to rambling but I'm at my crazy worst when I'm awoken and surprised.

"What do you think I asked?"

The perfect stranger in my room shrugged aside his sports coat so I could see his badge.

Fucked up and lost

I looked down at Donna, she looked over at Tiny, who was looking at RTJ, who was trying hard not to look at Ethan, who was covered in monster guts. Ethan?  He was looking like Jason Vagmer. He was broken in the road in the middle of Rt 30. I could tell his back was broken by the way his waist swung his 2 destroyed legs up to his right and they rested by his nearly torn off arm.

"You will die without me, Marz,"  said the little broken man.

"You'll fucking die without us," blasted Donna. That car crash would have killed most people, but it just pissed her off. I took the gun from her; she hardly noticed.

Tiny and I walked over to the spot where our tormenter had landed. We both looked at the dead pig mutants, and the wreckage of old man Golding’s farm. Then past our friends at the giant dead dragon. Finally we looked down at Jason Vagmer. On the ground was a super genius that could have made the world a better place ten times over but instead he used his time to make shitty synth pop and generate monsters to kill us.

What was in me?
How do I get this super magic science potion out of me?
Why did he hate us?
Why was he cloning us?

Tiny asked them all at the same time.

"Dude? What the fuck?"

"I was going to burn your little base down. My beast could have. But I saw your whore leave and wanted to watch her burn."  The words all came out like he was holding in a sneeze.

"Not making any friends," said Tiny.

He looked up with all the hate his dying body could muster.

"What do you want to know? Idiots. You could never--"

Boom!

The smart play would have been to take him home get him to talk. With magic. With science. Time out with Ethan. He would have talked. One way or the other, he would have talked. Why he did it. What was in me. I never told my friends what was happening, that I was getting sicker and sicker. I just counted on finding him and making him fix it. But now after this crazy bad night. After this whole awful affair.... I didn't fucking care.

So I fucking blew his head clean off.

"That's for hitting my friend with a 8 ball"

"That was you, actually,"  said Tiny.

"Really?” I said.

"Yup," said Tiny.  He was starting to put the pieces together. The ramifications of what I had just done.

"I'm a dick," I said. Then...... blurry....blink.... darkness.

Looking for light

North Grafton MA. Godlings Pig farm 3:33

What happened next was like a dream. The dragon would be on top of Matrix in seconds. I'm not sure anyone saw it, but she moved, subtly, slowly. But she moved.  Just her right hand grabbing something off the pavement and pulling it close. But Donna moved; she wasn't dead.

She sat up fast. Like Jason. Like the Undertaker. Put both hands on the Glock and fired. She hit the thing right between the eyes. I don't know if she hit a weak spot or a secret kill button, but the thing died. It flew past her so low she had to lay back down to not get run down. RTJ  flopped on his belly as the thing sailed over him.  It hit the ground hard, face first, throwing "chubby Dave Navaro" 30 feet up and 40 feet down Rt 30.

Weeks of attacks. Looking over our shoulders. Hurt friends. The rage had me on my feet before I even knew what hit me.

I walked towards where the man responsible for it all had landed.

"Don't Die."

I had to know why he did this. I had to know why he hated me so bad. If he died before I got to him...

"Don't Die!"

I walked faster.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the pig mutants spasm and fall. Must be somehow connected to their maker. He dies, they die? He can't die.

I somehow started to run.

I saw my friends see me. It must have been something in my eyes, but they began to run to get in between me and the man who I was sure had killed me.

"Dynamo," said Tiny.

"The poison.  It's still in me. I'm dying"

"All the more reason to slow down," Donna said, putting her hand on my chest.

"If he dies..."

"If he dies..." Donna turned to the voice that had interrupted her. The voice was broken and small. The voice of someone dying, but not quite dead.

"..... Only I can save you, Marz... Only me."

No more fight left!

I had pulled my self out the Mutant pile and some how instinctively got to my feet and Headed for the road. 

Tiny was already in front of me wading through mutants. Running mechanically slicing and hacking as he ran towards the road.

Round Trip jones The real one.. I think... I hope... Was already on his feet limping moving as fast as she could towards Donna matrix Who sprawled out on the pavement from feet away from the wreckage of the burning van. 

Ethan ran past me holding an pig mutant arm like a club. 

The Dragon Did a fancy loop and was headed right to were my friend lay unconscious. Tiny and Ethan were close but not close enough. RTJ wasn't going to make it either. 

Fuck. 

The thing was flying low at street  level. The chubby little goth ass hole responsible for all this sat Atop it hooping and hollering like a drunk frat boy on a mechanical bull. 

My legs gave up at the same time my heart did. I've been in denial. Science magic that is at the disposal of the geniuses who wielded it in the twilight society was on par with any science-fiction and fantasy. But it wasn't enough to get whatever strange octane poison that crazy asshole and introduced to my already broken body. Silica and company had gone as far as to swich out most of my blood. But some how it hid there and week after week day after day it got stronger and I got weaker. I was laying on my stomic in a filed up the street from my house about to watch my friend die and most of my other friends die trying to save her.  

Donna Makes and Entrance

Rt 30 around the Corner from godlings pig farm.

The Van Was Barley holding together but somehow the amazing engine that 12 gauge Calhoun had constructed was pulling the heat along at a breakneck speed.

When Donna matrix turn the corner to see Godlings pig farm she wasn't sure what she was going to see and when she saw it she wasn't sure what she saw. 

Before she was able to process what  was going on a blast of hell fire sent the vehicle flipping ass over tea kettle flying through the air. 

or not?

Then I heard a sound. 

And saw a bit of light. 

The teeny weeniest bit of moon light. 

But what was that sound?

Cutting? 

No? 

Tearing? 

Almost But not exactly.... It was chewing? Yes chewing? Rending and chewing? I was being saved by Ethan. He was literally eating his way to me. Some were in the distance I Heard a huge explosion and thought I felt a blast of heat wash over the Obscene pig pile. 

A giant clown was munching on mutants to rescue me while a real live fire breathing giant was closing in on us. Suddenly I wasn't sure if I wanted to be rescued at all anymore.  

The End?

Something nailed me right between the shoulder blades. I can only assume one of the mutants took a run at me because it knew I wasn't looking. Sloppy. stupid. We were in a very practical and effective formation but there were to manny to of theses muscle bound abominations for it to be worth a dam.  

 I flew forward and laded chin first And slid face first through the mud and debris.  

They were on me before I stopped sliding. 

400 pounds of pig Mutant 

600 pounds of pig mutant 

800 pounds

A ton 

      More 

            More 

                           More 

                                      Darkness 

DONNA ROAD

RT 30 3:30 AM 

If I tried this shit she would kill me. She would take me off field duty forever and then kill me. But no one was brave enough to call her on it and it may have been the only thing I could do. The only thing she could do.

She drove directly at the winged demon, took a slight turn right then spun the wheel to sneak under the thing. She reached under the seat and pulled the 2 standard "surprises" that were stashed there, not that playing tag with mythical beasts was a everyday thing, but you would be surprised how often a glock and machete come in handy.

She tossed the gun into the passenger seat and in one motion was standing one foot under the wheel and one foot tippy toes on the seat.

With a grace and dexterity that would make an Olympian or acrobat gasp she slash the leather bands that bound the unconscious wrestler to the monster. Then dropped to her bum and pumped the gas enough to lurch forward.  RTJ dropped into the back seat like a stork making a baby delivery. She then slammed on the gas pushing the mostly destroyed minivan to the limit. She got out from under thing, but just barley. They sped right in front of it just out of munching range; it's stinky breath filled the car. The stench woke up Jones who sat up just in time to groggily stare into the things giant jaws.

"oh mi dios de mierda" he whispered

"Oh mi diosa!" She smiled 

Pig Smashing for fun And survival

Godlings Pigfarm 3:30 

I was getting good at it.

I was a real pig smashing pro.

I built up a rhythm. A Pattern.

I imagine I looked like an orchestra conductor. Conducting pig mutants to the afterlife.

Right hand Swing across

Left hand swing down

Right hand swing up

Left hand swing across

Right hand swing down

Left hand swing up.

We are in a triangle formation. Ethan in the front, Tiny and I at the bottom across from each other. Combat was starting to look like a Peter Jackson film. In old gooey one not a CGI hobbit one.

Things were going well. We may make it out of this, I thought.

Do I even have to say what happened next?

Trick OR Treet Radio #158 - THE FELT-TASTIC FOUR

Episode 158 of Trick or Treat Radio has an interesting double page spread featuring our review of the flick Felt and a super nerdy discussions about recent horror films and comic books. Our special guest this week is the prolific queen of pop culture podcasting, Wendi Freeman! Tune in to see, I mean hear from first timers and old friends in the feedback section of the show. Dynamo regales us with his encounter with the trashy trio of smartphone larceny and we get visited by an all too familiar daemon dragon who serenades us. All this plus a lively, packed chat room and a surprise podcaster run-in! So grab your sounding rod, your floppy britches and strap on! 



Topics discussed: The sordid history of Hank Pym, Joe's movie watching binges, N64 Goldeneye, Timothy Dalton, The Flash TV show, cinematic Aquaman, Thomas Jane, grizzly bear movie revival, Goodfellas, Frankenstein comics, what Steve Miller looks like, Ant-Man, dime store effects, VHS 2, The Strangers vs Them Ils, the fake balls, what found footage films feel obliged to do, Jitterbug, Pip the Troll, Francesco Francavilla, Bettie and Veronica, the etiquette of phone finding, the tone of the DC superhero films, Felt, sounding, Slumber Party Massacre, Alex de Campi, docking, Kentucker Audley, Bitch Planet, performance art, fetus hitler, The Thing, The Boxer’s Omen, superhero trailers, Film for Thought Podcast, Wolfie and Dynamo's adventure, 401 Stories, the Faith No More and Refused show, Wally West, Suicide Squad, Trashy Trio Podcast, Talk Without Rhythm, rape revenge films, Tom Normandy's Jaws 2 love, Superman vs Batman: Dawn of Justice, Archie vs Predator, John Siuntres, Afterlife with Archie, Dynamo's photography skillz, The Babadook, Felt Fiction, Ryan Gosling, Cub, gross internet sensations, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, how a batman movie should be done, dark and scary Tumblr, Jughead, Wet Hot American Summer, Rowdy Roddy Piper, GGTMC Summer of Sleaze, Mike Patton, the Buffalo Bill tuck dance, the Marvel hip hop covers, Fing Fang Foom, being a paperback snob, mythical Archie movie, Haunting TV, our fame at That's Entertainment, MonsterZero's porn ambitions, Ti West, Amplify Releasing, mumblecore, Beaver McD, Amy Everson, Mockingbird, High Tension, Marvel vs Dc Films vs Fox Films, the French new wave of extreme horror, The Battery, the Toad Road controversy, Starry Eyes, Bear week at P-Town, The Sacrament, Jared Leto Joker, Scott Speedman, Inside, the end Of 90's horror, Deep Blue Sea, man on a mission movies, Southern Bastards, Howling Commandos, the alleged cinematic origin of " It’s clobbering time", 2010, the leg contest, our favorite James Bond films, Dynamo's Mom's VHS collection, the lack of diversity in classic comics, Deadpool, The Man From U.N.C.L.E. Trailer, the upcoming Marvel Netflix shows, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Big Short, Hausu and Godfrey Ho.

Race With The Devil

3:27 Rt 30 Grafton Ma

The fiery blast kicked the rear of the van up. When the back tires touched the ground all the rubber was gone; it was metal on melted asphalt. She was pretty sure she was going to be burned alive. She wasn't scared. She was angry. More angry when the dragon swept down and tore the roof of the van completely off. She ducked just in time to keep her head, neck and torso where it belonged. 

In her rear view mirror, through the smoke and sparks, she could see the thing was flying low and shooting down the road like a missile. She couldn't see RTJ, but but if he was still hanging on it's neck he would be close to the road. Close enough....

She she got in the car fast. To the right then to the left, steadying the chard heep and then spun the wheel to meet the thing head on.

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Fighting for survival in an ocean of hateful ham

Godlings pig farm 3:27 Am

I was out of bullets so I was swinging like a maniac. My revolvers smashed into soft pinkish mutant flesh. It made gross "splurching" sounds when the butts pulled away from skull and skin.
My arms were tired. Beyond tired. Now I can forgive myself. I was, after all, just blown up.
I glanced over at Tiny, he looked more man then machine. Years of Trick or Treat Spy training and muscle memory transforming him into a whirling dervish of blades and front kicks.

I couldn't see Eathan, but the gnawing and tearing sounds told me he was still standing. Still destroying. Despite the fact it was almost always evil, at least more evil than him anyway, I always felt bad for anything that got within arms length of the angry clown.

I tried to stay focused, but my thoughts kept going towards the blasts of the fire that were bellowing over the trees in the direction of our home.

Round Trip Jones and fire

Outside the crypt on the hanger side 3:59 am

Underneath the Dragons neck like the healing barrel of a St Barnard hung Round Trip jones.

She couldn't tell if she was alive or aliveish.

If she rammed it with the van she was obviously risking The life... Lifeish of RTJ.

The Behemoth rose. Smoke bellowed from its nostrils. It's had back. She slammed the car into reverse but all senses sight smell hearing were replaced by the sensation of overwhelming heat.

Pig pile

The pig farm 3:25 AM


I was up and fighting before I even Realized it. I was Using scourge as a club and my other smaller colt more traditionally. Even with both hands laying some serous harm on pig mutants I was still just barley keeping my head above water. One falter or when I ran outta bullets i'd be sunk.

Tiny was slicing ham like it was easter dinner. His elegance and skill made killing look more like art. Ethan's  technique  on the other hand was anything but beautiful in fact it was down right hard to watch. Tearing fleshing pink chunks off any mutant unlucky enough to get in arms reach.

He was covered in blood.
Something was in teeth.
He was happy.

A was tearing up pig mutants like a clown shaped chainsaw... It .. Was ... It was gross.

I heard what I thought was a roar then In the distance I saw fire rise  over the trees as if a inferno erupted from thin air. The ground shook the fire looked as if it would scorch the sky.  It looked like it was right near my house right near the hanger.

Donna? Fuck

I can't think about it. I swung Scourge cracking a pig mutants skull.

But my mind was somewhere else with giant monsters a mountain of flame and someone I loved dearly.

Face off

Just outside the cript hanger side 3:25

Matrix was going to ram the van Down the giant allegedly mythical beast's throat. It had landed in the road ahead of her and let out a threatening earth shaking growl in her direction. She said she wasn't impressed. I BELIVE  her but I'd have been shitting my pants.

Clicking the high beams temporally blinded the chubby goth that road on top of the nightmare. He squirmed in his ornamental saddle and partially blocked his eyes with his forearm.  

It was as big as a plane.

 It lifted it's head and roared at the sky and that's when she saw him adhered to the monsters neck with chains.

She said was furious but I suspect there was some worry too.

As if the fucking flying fire breathing behemoth wasn't enough. This bitter little prick was playing dirty.

She had to respect that.  

Hell comes to pig Town

Godlings pig farm 3:25 Am

We heard them move before we saw them.

 It sounded like a 2nd explosion or a earthquake.

They moved in Unsion like a greasy muddy machine.

Ethan saw them first.  It took every muscle I had to turn to to the tree line to see them.

They were big.

Not tall big. Thick.

Like body builder waring another body builders skin.

They had huge ripped legs that went down 2 hooves that wile probable 8 inches around looked to small to support their massive frames.

There arms were big veiny pieces of meat with hands the size of my head.

And of course Pig heads

Giant evil looking pig heads. They looked like fake demonic Halloween masks, but real. Very real.

The frat boy hadn't been bull shifting embellishing on my made up killer pig story he really saw pig people.

They came up from the woods fast but slowed to a deliberate march.

"Great" Ethan said pointing across the st

They were coming from behind the farm house and across the street into the filed. We were surrounded.

"cerdo" whispered Tiny

"Credo" I repeated.

       

Donna in Action

Andy Christ hadn't returned yet. Oracle was on medical leave. She had been up and about, but Donna wasn't about to force her out of bed this early, at least till she knew how bad it was.

The explosion was close by. And while not necessarily Godlings pig farm, the fact that she could not rise confirmed that we had either caused the explosion or were in it.

I can imagine her navigating the the dark winding halls in the crypt like a jungle cat - beautiful, graceful. Deadly. She would stop for a 1/2 second by her tiny souped up Prius then moving in to one of the extra vans realizing you couldn't fit Magloffabits in a Prius.

She would tear out of the hanger like a bat outta hell not waiting for hydraulics, only getting even with street-level. The cars undercarriage would scrape against the pavement and spark violently. She would instantly turn in the direction of the of the burning pig farm debris while embers would float menacingly against the night sky.

She'd probably try to raise us on one more time but stop when she noticed a shadow suddenly blocking out the moon light. Its huge form sweeping down at the car. She would most definitely accelerate to get out of its range, but bang a brutal 360 to face it head on; her warrior brain and her scholar brain drowning out the small internal cries for self preservation.

She would look it in the eyes when it completed the loop to change direction and charged from the sky towards her little car.

And I'm positive she didn't flinch or falter.

I never got to ask what she said when she stepped on the gas to accelerate forward, but I'm sure it was something to the cue of "let's go."

Stars and bruises

Ground zero were the silo used to be on goslings pig farm 


I thought about the month of may. It had sucked. Every inch of me hurt, hell even the bottom of my feet hurt. When do you think of the bottom of your feet.

When you step on a nail?
Barefoot on hot pavement?
Bad shoes? 

But I was uber conscious I had bottoms of my feet and they hurt like hell. 

We all sat there quiet peaceful. 
The smoke and dust had cleared you could see the stars. They were beautiful.

We never did find our what happened to the pigs. They were here recently there poop led us here. 

"Dynamo" tiny said his tone as tranquil as I felt

"Yea buddy" 

"Why did you hit me in the head with a 8 ball"? 

The ground began vibrate. Hooves the ground   it sounded like a stampede I was too hurt to turn in look.

"Anyone looking that way" asked tiny 

"I am" said Ethan 

"Should we be worried" tiny almost laughed. The kinda laugh a movie  death row inmate makes before  they pull the Electric chair lever down. 

"Kinda" Said Ethan.

This is the Second time in as many hours as I heard him sound confused. Lunatics to Houston multiple angry Asian demons in their body ... well..  it took a lot to confuse that sort person. 

"Pigs" I said

"Kinda said Ethan. 

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Getting hit By The Fan Club

The crypt around 3Am 

Donna had found the string in the sweater and she was pulling, and pulling.

It's funny how with a small bit of knowledge and the right circumstances we can put something together that wasn't there before. Our attackers had managed to elude us up until now. Normal police work or investigation would've never found them, but thanks to some science-fiction level science, shee tracked down a very solid lead like the world's most beautiful wolf.  Mz. Matrix wasn't about to let go until she drew blood and tore meat.

She searched and hacked and searched, than hacked some more.

After the initial lead, it took us less than 10 minutes to mobilize; she already had a good intle by then.

When old man Golding died, he left his son all he had: his pig farm, and all the pigs on it.

According to public record, his son Robert never turned up to get it. In fact, hadn't turned up anywhere at all. At least not under that name, and while chubby little Bobby Golding was gone - and has been for 10 or 11 years - a gentleman by the name of Jason Vagmer was very active. Vagmer was a synth pop/industrial artist who played in and around Necronomicon. By all accounts his music was pretty OK, if not a bit pedestrian, but his stage show featuring Chris Angel-like illusionist antics was spectacular. Despite rave reviews, it would seem he hasn't generated quite the fanbase he was hoping for. And in one interview Matrix found, it seemed like he was considering throwing in the towel:

"It would seem that the city does not appreciate real art or real artists. My stage show is state-of-the-art science and illusion. My songs are roadmap of human desires and emotions. But no one cares."

Ahhhh, the good old “no one cares”. It's a goth staple. Well, I still use it. The good thing about being part of the black lipstick and eyeliner set is that you can whine all you want and then casually pass it off as gimmick despite the fact you're really legit upset and really whiny.

Another thing I see a lot are people who will put five or six months into building a fanbase and then, when they're not filling up clubs, throw their arms in the air and blame the city. They don't understand the only reason that we have a fanbase in the city at all is that we were distracted and unmotivated enough to stay here way past our welcome.

Shortly after, Matrix had come up with Bobby's old MySpace page, which was full of him at our shows and wearing Deadites paraphernalia.  Lots and lots of photos; lots and lots of paraphernalia. It's clear we were probably a pretty big influence on his artistic endeavors.

A quick look at a school record showed he was a fucking super genius.

High school by 10

College by 16

By the time he hit 20, he was apprenticing under some of the greatest minds and science. This kid was fucking smart. Scary fucking smart.

Later on in another  interview, she hit pay dirt.

"It would seem like the people in the city have outgrown their childhood heroes, yet perhaps the city isn't big enough for both of us."

I call that a out and out threat.

If he was talking about us, anyway. And he was. Matrix read and read, pulled hard at this sweater, until there was nothing left but a pile of yarn.

It would seem at some point, fanaticism turned to resentment, resentment to jealousy, jealousy toward the hatred,which turned to a full on science-filled fucking vendetta.

Around that point, she was scanning through the flyer gallery on the band page of "Jason Vagmer and the Black Dragons." When she saw a flyer for the May show, she was going to call us, but stopped short on account of the explosion.

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