Wake up its time to complain

“I am always fascinated by people’s double standards with films.

“A schlocky, fun, genre movie from 1981 is a masterpiece. A film with equivocal production values, plot, and acting from 2015 is garbage.

“I just don't get it. Even more baffling, films like, say, The Guest - which has all the great elements of films that we are nostalgic about - get slapped around for the same reasons we love films like Escape from New York or Evil Dead 2.

“If you don't enjoy movie, you don't enjoy the movie, but I feel a lot of armchair critics are unaware of the hypocrisy of their reviews on current genre cinema versus classic genre cinema.

“I will totally relent that some things just aren't as charming. And in a lot of super low-budget pictures, CGI has replaced practical effects, especially in the case of things like ultra low-budget movies and SyFy channel fair.

“The visual effects are atrocious, but are they any worse than their parent films of 60’s and 70’s monster flicks? While I find practical always comfortable, even the practical effects are way more charming than clunky N64 looking creations. Even good CGI falls flat for me - it's just not real. I'd be more aroused by an ugly or average looking naked person in real life, than a drawing or animation of Wonder Woman or Ryan Gosling. It's tactile, it's real, my eyes tell my brain that it's real, and the chemicals in my body act accordingly. Your suspension of disbelief isn't much different than that. If your brain sees a guy lumbering toward you with ping-pong balls for eyes and green face paint, while you probably won't be tricked into thinking it's scary, it's still a real live guy. Something is actually there. You realize that the guy could hurt you even if you're stressed ridiculously. A cartoon cannot. The brain processes the whole thing differently, and for the most part CGI doesn’t work and cheap CGI is just awful; it's simply bargain-basement movie-making.

“Perhaps these are all bad examples - I'm not particularly invested in these films on either end of the spectrum. An old Ed Wood nugget is just as interesting to me as one of those CGI shark movies: "That's funny." *turns channel*

“I recently woke up to Tiny Wight defending the film The Guest to someone who was tearing it apart on the Facebook group The Gentleman's Guide to Midnight Cinema.  I think The Guest is a pretty great flick. It cemented my love for the work of Simon Barrett and Adam Winguard.

“If that film came out in 1985 with equivocal acting, special effects, and overall production value, it would be considered a bona fide classic. In fact, I'd go as far to say it would be in the majority of exploitation fans’ top 10. I honestly think with significantly worse acting, facts, and what not, it would still be that well regarded.

“So why does the same movie in 2015 get panned? As viewers, are your rose-tinted glasses fueled strictly by nostalgia?

“Now this is just one dude’s opinion and most folks I know love The Guest.

“But what happens to make someone love a film from 1973 or ‘83 or even ‘93, but dismiss a film of equal or better quality from right goddamn now?”

I was rambling. I had been asleep for 9 hours.  I looked down at my iPhone to do the math and make sure that's all I lost. If I hurried I'd make it to the Independents’ show In time. I'm always prone to rambling but I'm at my crazy worst when I'm awoken and surprised.

"What do you think I asked?"

The perfect stranger in my room shrugged aside his sports coat so I could see his badge.

Fucked up and lost

I looked down at Donna, she looked over at Tiny, who was looking at RTJ, who was trying hard not to look at Ethan, who was covered in monster guts. Ethan?  He was looking like Jason Vagmer. He was broken in the road in the middle of Rt 30. I could tell his back was broken by the way his waist swung his 2 destroyed legs up to his right and they rested by his nearly torn off arm.

"You will die without me, Marz,"  said the little broken man.

"You'll fucking die without us," blasted Donna. That car crash would have killed most people, but it just pissed her off. I took the gun from her; she hardly noticed.

Tiny and I walked over to the spot where our tormenter had landed. We both looked at the dead pig mutants, and the wreckage of old man Golding’s farm. Then past our friends at the giant dead dragon. Finally we looked down at Jason Vagmer. On the ground was a super genius that could have made the world a better place ten times over but instead he used his time to make shitty synth pop and generate monsters to kill us.

What was in me?
How do I get this super magic science potion out of me?
Why did he hate us?
Why was he cloning us?

Tiny asked them all at the same time.

"Dude? What the fuck?"

"I was going to burn your little base down. My beast could have. But I saw your whore leave and wanted to watch her burn."  The words all came out like he was holding in a sneeze.

"Not making any friends," said Tiny.

He looked up with all the hate his dying body could muster.

"What do you want to know? Idiots. You could never--"

Boom!

The smart play would have been to take him home get him to talk. With magic. With science. Time out with Ethan. He would have talked. One way or the other, he would have talked. Why he did it. What was in me. I never told my friends what was happening, that I was getting sicker and sicker. I just counted on finding him and making him fix it. But now after this crazy bad night. After this whole awful affair.... I didn't fucking care.

So I fucking blew his head clean off.

"That's for hitting my friend with a 8 ball"

"That was you, actually,"  said Tiny.

"Really?” I said.

"Yup," said Tiny.  He was starting to put the pieces together. The ramifications of what I had just done.

"I'm a dick," I said. Then...... blurry....blink.... darkness.

Looking for light

North Grafton MA. Godlings Pig farm 3:33

What happened next was like a dream. The dragon would be on top of Matrix in seconds. I'm not sure anyone saw it, but she moved, subtly, slowly. But she moved.  Just her right hand grabbing something off the pavement and pulling it close. But Donna moved; she wasn't dead.

She sat up fast. Like Jason. Like the Undertaker. Put both hands on the Glock and fired. She hit the thing right between the eyes. I don't know if she hit a weak spot or a secret kill button, but the thing died. It flew past her so low she had to lay back down to not get run down. RTJ  flopped on his belly as the thing sailed over him.  It hit the ground hard, face first, throwing "chubby Dave Navaro" 30 feet up and 40 feet down Rt 30.

Weeks of attacks. Looking over our shoulders. Hurt friends. The rage had me on my feet before I even knew what hit me.

I walked towards where the man responsible for it all had landed.

"Don't Die."

I had to know why he did this. I had to know why he hated me so bad. If he died before I got to him...

"Don't Die!"

I walked faster.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the pig mutants spasm and fall. Must be somehow connected to their maker. He dies, they die? He can't die.

I somehow started to run.

I saw my friends see me. It must have been something in my eyes, but they began to run to get in between me and the man who I was sure had killed me.

"Dynamo," said Tiny.

"The poison.  It's still in me. I'm dying"

"All the more reason to slow down," Donna said, putting her hand on my chest.

"If he dies..."

"If he dies..." Donna turned to the voice that had interrupted her. The voice was broken and small. The voice of someone dying, but not quite dead.

"..... Only I can save you, Marz... Only me."

No more fight left!

I had pulled my self out the Mutant pile and some how instinctively got to my feet and Headed for the road. 

Tiny was already in front of me wading through mutants. Running mechanically slicing and hacking as he ran towards the road.

Round Trip jones The real one.. I think... I hope... Was already on his feet limping moving as fast as she could towards Donna matrix Who sprawled out on the pavement from feet away from the wreckage of the burning van. 

Ethan ran past me holding an pig mutant arm like a club. 

The Dragon Did a fancy loop and was headed right to were my friend lay unconscious. Tiny and Ethan were close but not close enough. RTJ wasn't going to make it either. 

Fuck. 

The thing was flying low at street  level. The chubby little goth ass hole responsible for all this sat Atop it hooping and hollering like a drunk frat boy on a mechanical bull. 

My legs gave up at the same time my heart did. I've been in denial. Science magic that is at the disposal of the geniuses who wielded it in the twilight society was on par with any science-fiction and fantasy. But it wasn't enough to get whatever strange octane poison that crazy asshole and introduced to my already broken body. Silica and company had gone as far as to swich out most of my blood. But some how it hid there and week after week day after day it got stronger and I got weaker. I was laying on my stomic in a filed up the street from my house about to watch my friend die and most of my other friends die trying to save her.  

Donna Makes and Entrance

Rt 30 around the Corner from godlings pig farm.

The Van Was Barley holding together but somehow the amazing engine that 12 gauge Calhoun had constructed was pulling the heat along at a breakneck speed.

When Donna matrix turn the corner to see Godlings pig farm she wasn't sure what she was going to see and when she saw it she wasn't sure what she saw. 

Before she was able to process what  was going on a blast of hell fire sent the vehicle flipping ass over tea kettle flying through the air. 

or not?

Then I heard a sound. 

And saw a bit of light. 

The teeny weeniest bit of moon light. 

But what was that sound?

Cutting? 

No? 

Tearing? 

Almost But not exactly.... It was chewing? Yes chewing? Rending and chewing? I was being saved by Ethan. He was literally eating his way to me. Some were in the distance I Heard a huge explosion and thought I felt a blast of heat wash over the Obscene pig pile. 

A giant clown was munching on mutants to rescue me while a real live fire breathing giant was closing in on us. Suddenly I wasn't sure if I wanted to be rescued at all anymore.  

The End?

Something nailed me right between the shoulder blades. I can only assume one of the mutants took a run at me because it knew I wasn't looking. Sloppy. stupid. We were in a very practical and effective formation but there were to manny to of theses muscle bound abominations for it to be worth a dam.  

 I flew forward and laded chin first And slid face first through the mud and debris.  

They were on me before I stopped sliding. 

400 pounds of pig Mutant 

600 pounds of pig mutant 

800 pounds

A ton 

      More 

            More 

                           More 

                                      Darkness 

DONNA ROAD

RT 30 3:30 AM 

If I tried this shit she would kill me. She would take me off field duty forever and then kill me. But no one was brave enough to call her on it and it may have been the only thing I could do. The only thing she could do.

She drove directly at the winged demon, took a slight turn right then spun the wheel to sneak under the thing. She reached under the seat and pulled the 2 standard "surprises" that were stashed there, not that playing tag with mythical beasts was a everyday thing, but you would be surprised how often a glock and machete come in handy.

She tossed the gun into the passenger seat and in one motion was standing one foot under the wheel and one foot tippy toes on the seat.

With a grace and dexterity that would make an Olympian or acrobat gasp she slash the leather bands that bound the unconscious wrestler to the monster. Then dropped to her bum and pumped the gas enough to lurch forward.  RTJ dropped into the back seat like a stork making a baby delivery. She then slammed on the gas pushing the mostly destroyed minivan to the limit. She got out from under thing, but just barley. They sped right in front of it just out of munching range; it's stinky breath filled the car. The stench woke up Jones who sat up just in time to groggily stare into the things giant jaws.

"oh mi dios de mierda" he whispered

"Oh mi diosa!" She smiled 

Pig Smashing for fun And survival

Godlings Pigfarm 3:30 

I was getting good at it.

I was a real pig smashing pro.

I built up a rhythm. A Pattern.

I imagine I looked like an orchestra conductor. Conducting pig mutants to the afterlife.

Right hand Swing across

Left hand swing down

Right hand swing up

Left hand swing across

Right hand swing down

Left hand swing up.

We are in a triangle formation. Ethan in the front, Tiny and I at the bottom across from each other. Combat was starting to look like a Peter Jackson film. In old gooey one not a CGI hobbit one.

Things were going well. We may make it out of this, I thought.

Do I even have to say what happened next?

Trick OR Treet Radio #158 - THE FELT-TASTIC FOUR

Episode 158 of Trick or Treat Radio has an interesting double page spread featuring our review of the flick Felt and a super nerdy discussions about recent horror films and comic books. Our special guest this week is the prolific queen of pop culture podcasting, Wendi Freeman! Tune in to see, I mean hear from first timers and old friends in the feedback section of the show. Dynamo regales us with his encounter with the trashy trio of smartphone larceny and we get visited by an all too familiar daemon dragon who serenades us. All this plus a lively, packed chat room and a surprise podcaster run-in! So grab your sounding rod, your floppy britches and strap on! 



Topics discussed: The sordid history of Hank Pym, Joe's movie watching binges, N64 Goldeneye, Timothy Dalton, The Flash TV show, cinematic Aquaman, Thomas Jane, grizzly bear movie revival, Goodfellas, Frankenstein comics, what Steve Miller looks like, Ant-Man, dime store effects, VHS 2, The Strangers vs Them Ils, the fake balls, what found footage films feel obliged to do, Jitterbug, Pip the Troll, Francesco Francavilla, Bettie and Veronica, the etiquette of phone finding, the tone of the DC superhero films, Felt, sounding, Slumber Party Massacre, Alex de Campi, docking, Kentucker Audley, Bitch Planet, performance art, fetus hitler, The Thing, The Boxer’s Omen, superhero trailers, Film for Thought Podcast, Wolfie and Dynamo's adventure, 401 Stories, the Faith No More and Refused show, Wally West, Suicide Squad, Trashy Trio Podcast, Talk Without Rhythm, rape revenge films, Tom Normandy's Jaws 2 love, Superman vs Batman: Dawn of Justice, Archie vs Predator, John Siuntres, Afterlife with Archie, Dynamo's photography skillz, The Babadook, Felt Fiction, Ryan Gosling, Cub, gross internet sensations, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, how a batman movie should be done, dark and scary Tumblr, Jughead, Wet Hot American Summer, Rowdy Roddy Piper, GGTMC Summer of Sleaze, Mike Patton, the Buffalo Bill tuck dance, the Marvel hip hop covers, Fing Fang Foom, being a paperback snob, mythical Archie movie, Haunting TV, our fame at That's Entertainment, MonsterZero's porn ambitions, Ti West, Amplify Releasing, mumblecore, Beaver McD, Amy Everson, Mockingbird, High Tension, Marvel vs Dc Films vs Fox Films, the French new wave of extreme horror, The Battery, the Toad Road controversy, Starry Eyes, Bear week at P-Town, The Sacrament, Jared Leto Joker, Scott Speedman, Inside, the end Of 90's horror, Deep Blue Sea, man on a mission movies, Southern Bastards, Howling Commandos, the alleged cinematic origin of " It’s clobbering time", 2010, the leg contest, our favorite James Bond films, Dynamo's Mom's VHS collection, the lack of diversity in classic comics, Deadpool, The Man From U.N.C.L.E. Trailer, the upcoming Marvel Netflix shows, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Big Short, Hausu and Godfrey Ho.

Race With The Devil

3:27 Rt 30 Grafton Ma

The fiery blast kicked the rear of the van up. When the back tires touched the ground all the rubber was gone; it was metal on melted asphalt. She was pretty sure she was going to be burned alive. She wasn't scared. She was angry. More angry when the dragon swept down and tore the roof of the van completely off. She ducked just in time to keep her head, neck and torso where it belonged. 

In her rear view mirror, through the smoke and sparks, she could see the thing was flying low and shooting down the road like a missile. She couldn't see RTJ, but but if he was still hanging on it's neck he would be close to the road. Close enough....

She she got in the car fast. To the right then to the left, steadying the chard heep and then spun the wheel to meet the thing head on.

Check THE DEADITES out on Tumblr

http://totdeadites.tumblr.com/

Fighting for survival in an ocean of hateful ham

Godlings pig farm 3:27 Am

I was out of bullets so I was swinging like a maniac. My revolvers smashed into soft pinkish mutant flesh. It made gross "splurching" sounds when the butts pulled away from skull and skin.
My arms were tired. Beyond tired. Now I can forgive myself. I was, after all, just blown up.
I glanced over at Tiny, he looked more man then machine. Years of Trick or Treat Spy training and muscle memory transforming him into a whirling dervish of blades and front kicks.

I couldn't see Eathan, but the gnawing and tearing sounds told me he was still standing. Still destroying. Despite the fact it was almost always evil, at least more evil than him anyway, I always felt bad for anything that got within arms length of the angry clown.

I tried to stay focused, but my thoughts kept going towards the blasts of the fire that were bellowing over the trees in the direction of our home.